Yesterday I went to the wedding of two of my friends, Tom and Lily. It was wonderful seeing two Christians publicly declaring their love for each other and being joined by God for a life of service to him. The whole day was amazing, from the service to the reception... but also slightly unusual, as the previous night, Tom had been severely sick, and had to go to hospital. It brought particular significance to the line in the wedding vows, 'in sickness and health', and Lily smiled while saying it, as she looked into the eyes of her pale-faced husband!
I guess wedding days are usually happy occasions, for the bride and groom if no one else! Yet the reality is that a large number of those smiling couples, who look so 'in love' on their wedding day, will fail to see out their vows 'til death us do part', opting instead for the pain of divorce. Is there something wrong with marriage? Is it ever possible to have a truly successful marriage, where love lasts, rather than just fading with the wedding photos?
The Bible says a definite 'yes!' But it requires us to redefine our view of love. Paul Bolton, who spoke at yesterday's wedding, urged us to look at God's love to learn how we should love.
This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins
1 John 4:10 (NIV)As he explained God's love, shown in Jesus' death on the cross, he gave Tom and Lily (and more widely, all married couples present) three key characteristics of the love they should learn to show each other.
Spontaneous. Not so much a wacky 'rabbit out of a hat' spontaneous love, that, for instance, randomly suggests a last minute picnic in the meadow on a summer's day. More a love which takes the initiative to love. God loved us, even though we didn't love him. We did nothing to earn his love - he gave it freely and spontaneously.
So in a marriage, there shouldn't be an attitude of keeping tallies - 'Actually, I think it's your turn to be loving this week dear...' - but rather freely giving love, even when it's undeserved and even when it's unreturned.
Sacrificial. A love that lasts makes sacrifices. God made the ultimate sacrifice in giving up what was most precious to him - his Son. It was a demonstration of his love for us, and the means by which he might draw close to us to love us with more intimacy.
In marriage, there should be no 'give and take' as if a couple are constantly battling, finding a precarious balance. Rather, each person, husband and wife, should be willing to give up habits, possessions, attitudes which cause the other person displeasure. This is hard! But in marriage, the greatest personal pleasure comes from seeing delight in the other person. Love which puts the other person first really is the most wonderful, and God has set the ultimate example.
Saving. Most amazingly, God's love for us in Jesus has provided an 'atoning sacrifice for our sins'. That means that, because Jesus has died and faced the punishment from God that we deserve, we can be made 'at one' with God - we can be united with him as his friends, children, lovers. This is ultimate love - there is no other way to be brought into relationship with God except through Jesus.
And that includes love in a marriage. A married couple should not be looking to each other for what only Jesus can provide. True love in marriage will point the other person first to Jesus, from whom comes all love.
This God-centred view of love from the Bible flatly contradicts our culture's view of love. True love is based on commitment, not fluttering feelings. True love is shown in giving, not in just taking. And true love must have its root in, flow from, and always return to Jesus Christ, as the demonstration of God's abundant, overflowing love to us.
